Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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