i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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