Need sex. Gaining weight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dick very happy bro
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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