At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just invented taco cereal.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize