I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
