She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
