the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize