i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
