Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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