the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize