I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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