new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
