My sheets look like a crime scene.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
