I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
