How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
