I wish I could teleport
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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