I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
