So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
