I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
