Kiss
Puke
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
