Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize