Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
