Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
