I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
