I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
