Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
