it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
