If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Less talking, more tequila
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
