If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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