the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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