I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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