how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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