Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
