I cockslap morals
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
