i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
