Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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