someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
