Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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