You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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