I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
