arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
