I accidentally had phone sex last night
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
