Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
