After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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