So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
