I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
