Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize