I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize