I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
MIDGETS
????
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
