I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize