remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
