I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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