I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
